So..i had my birthday party this weekend.
And Alex kissed Maddie. INFRONT of me. oh yeah...and then he made me kiss her in front of him.
I feel like someone has stabbed me in the chest- ripped me in half. torn my heart to absolute shreds...and then eaten it. i havent slept in about 3 days...cant eat a half decent meal without wanting to push my fingers back down my throat... all in all- im a bit of a mess atm.
I think whats hurt me most of all, is the fact that i now realise my true feelings for Alex. Its weird,.... but i think i might love him. If i didnt- would i really be in this much pain? I cant tell...but all i know is that it hurts a FUCK load.
Still havent spoken to Maddie about it yet. Everyones warning her not to talk to me- and with good reason i should expect. I think if she even attempted to talk to me at this precise moment then i would be tempted to slap her, call her a stupid, theaving dirty blonde whore and then leave her in a crying mess- and i probably wouldnt feel bad about it tbh.
As for Alex...i dont know what im going to do. i dont feel angry with him for some reason. maybe its because i dont care about him as much as i do maddie, or maybe its because i love him so much, that its hard to hate him. I cant figure this all out- so tomorrow calls for another Nikki B appointment. One o'clock sharp. i just hope i can figure this out before i go downhill again.
I nicked one of Alex's shirts at the weekend, just so i have a part of him that i can keep. I know that i can never have him all to myself- that would be just greedy tbh. And all though he thinks its the other way around- he's far to good for me. So this is my little bit of sanctimony. I curl up with it at night and just hold it, while the tears fall down my cheeks continuously.
i might take casemans advice and go on a sabatical- it sounds quite good fun.
anyway...i can only hope that things get better from here on in. Wish me luck, people of the internet. i love you all
Alex
xxxxxxxxx