So an new development has occurred. Hannah came to visit Nom and Mel on Friday evening (7th jan)and so as to avoid her, I stayed out of the house as much as I could and went out in the evening after a singing lesson to spoons with Caseman. About 20 mins before she left I had a text wondering where I was, despite the fact she had already invaded my flat, thrown my sloth around and written on my desk (can’t EXPLAIN how angry I was), as I was leaving the house (fortunately I heard them coming upstairs so ran down the other staircase). However, that night I got explicitly drunk on alcohol Caseman bought me, ended up being fucked by about 7.30pm and throwing up by 8.15pm. and you know what pissed me off most about it all? Was because I had fucked my body around, simply because I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted to forget about her. I’m so sick of it!
I then get a text around 1am basically explaining how she ‘has it in her head’ that she should leave me alone, despite seeing me on NYE, having a perfectly nice phone call, Facebook chatting normally. It’s weird. Ever since this new year has started its almost like she has realised what she should have done in the first place- leave me alone. Annoyingly, part of me is really rather hurt and unhappy. Most of me actually. However, I’m trying to block this about by ignoring it and simply trying to be grateful that she has at last learnt her lesson (6 months late of course, but this is Hannah we’re dealing with here).
Anyway. So now, I am completely ignoring her. Having deleted my Facebook temporarily, I have no idea what she’s up to, but have found the experience quite liberating. I’m considering extending my period of abstinence as its nice not worrying about what might and what might not have happened with her. If I do actually go back to Facebook (which I suppose I shall have to in time) then i might actually delete her. Either way, I think it shall be beneficial. (Also I have told myself that if worst comes to worst I can actually borrow someone’s account to stalk her and say it’s for other such purposes... or maybe Mel’s. Because Mel knows I suppose.) So I shall have ways around it. Apart from the moments where I dwell on things, I’m actually finding it easier.
I remember a time a while ago when we had spent the evening in London together and she had told me about a girl called Anna at Uni who was ‘just like her’- gay and all. ‘Wonderful’ I thought ‘another thing for me to be totally obsessed and worried about’. Having found certain pictures that suggest just what I had worried about, I became totally engulfed in worry and misery. And what for? What good did it actually do me? As much as it hurts to admit it, her moving on with someone totally new and exciting etc etc might do me a world of good. I’m just praying it comes soon so that when it does, I have time to get over it, fuck someone myself and move on.
In fact I’ve decided what I need. A year of abstention from male-female sex has driven me a bit crazy. Annoying, part of what is holding me back is letting Hannah win. Until recently (or at least when I was with her) I was an open bisexual. Not a complete lesbian. So in theory, I suppose it would be fair. In fact it might hurt her more if I got with a guy next instead of a girl. This worryingly alarms me at how I immediately think of me with a new profile picture with my new girlfriend and Hannah crying all night at the thought of what we do together. I think I’m slightly insane? Slash jealous, slash a vicious uncaring monster who just wants revenge on her ex-girlfriend for cruelly dumping her mid-relationship with not much reasoning other than ‘I won’t have time to see you this summer and I can’t deal with long distant relationships’ and then dragging out any remnants of friendship we had into what I can only describe as a 6 month long divorce from a relationship.
FUCK ME. I needed that.
I have serious issues (that I’m trying to sort out at least). Anyway, enough for tonight. I needed a good rant about Friday, so here we are. Day 2 of what I hope to be a new start. Wish me luck xx