This week...ive seen far too much of the world.
I am 15 years old. Female. Classed as 'clever' and sometimes, when the boat is pushed out a bit, a 'boffin'. I never thought that i would be one to join the morning after club. But on Tuesday the 21st Obctober, thats exactly what I did.
Alex and I got a bit friskay on monday. Didnt have sex- but got a little too close for comfort. When he came literally on my inside leg...and had been doing God only knows what down there before hand...i started to have a little panic attack. What would i do if i got pregnant at this age? Well, that one was easily answered. Abortion- it could be the only way around it. Unless...
And then i realised that id much rather be safe than sorry, and so took myself up to the san and asked for the morning after pill. I asked for full confidentiality and hopefully- that is what i am going to recieve. Ive been booked an appointment for Dr. Savani monday after half term to talk about contraception. I plan to be a 'good girl' (my typical self) and go along with it all, nod in the right places. Smile when neccessary. And then beg the Sister not to mention my most recent sexual adventure to ANYONE.
I am seriously f*cked if she does.
On the other hand, despite this most recent endevour, i have decided that i may just become a Bille-Piper-esque call girl when I am at uni/ after uni to pay off fees...set me up for life etc. And if i like it, then i always have my degree to fall back on when the time comes to pack it in.
Obviously, this would be the worst possible thing for me to do- and the least logical considering my almost-pregnant state. But then again, 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl' doesnt help the situation at least with the ways in which its portrays only the most glamours parts of the job. However, i guess that if they did air the indecent scary parts then no one would want to watch it/ be scarred for life.
I dont know tbh. All i know is that i have an exceptional quality with which i manage to get msyelf hurt over and over again. Here is said problem: I find/ meet a guy that im instantly attracted to. I get to know him- the basics only. Then i manage to nearly fuck him. That usually goes well ish- i play the part well...enjoy myself. Get in, get off, get out. Thats it. No emotions. Just pure pleasure- and what do i get from it? Nothing except something else to add to my list of things accomplished this year. Oh...and another fucked up realtionship.
But this is why i think i may be able to become a call girl. I can easily turn off my emotions- just get on with the task at hand. I enjoy myself, but never feel anything for the person im doing it with. Like every other guy that ive gotten off with- once ive had my way with them, then thats it. Cba anymore. Thats them done and dusted tbh.
Obviously, things might change in the future- but atm i really dont want a loving relationship with someone where you have to worry about who did what to whom or who isnt saying what to whom. Just the usual bollocks that my best mate goes through every day with her 'soul mate'...another good mate of mine. Or at least i like to think so- he seems to be avoiding me like theres always a tomorrow. Apparentley, he thinks that im annoyed/ angry at him for some reason. Which could be partly due to our last MSN convo.
I really need to stop speaking to people on MSN- tis just a load of shit which gets people in a load of shit.
Having said that i will probably endevour to continue using it on a daily basis. But hey- you live, you learn right?
Anyway, my eyes are going square, its prize day tomorrow, i need a shower. Oh and its Casemans 'rave'. AKA. shit house party. basically. :S
Must. not. get. drunk. on. two. beers. tomorrow.
Im going to keep repeating that to myself- it shall be my mantra.
Then who knows...it might come true :)
Night all
xxxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Friday, 10 October 2008
In H.E....
Cant be facked tbh.
H.E. is either one of the biggest wastes of my life, or the least- i cant yet decide. All i do know is that the coursework element of it all is SHITE. I cba to do any of it and here i am, having read all my blog entries over the past year because i feel that i have nothing better to do with my life.
OMG. in case i hadn't mentioned it before, i am now obsessed with the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer and the film of the first book is intended to come out on 19th December. I absoultey cant wait now...getting to breaking point :S
The Ollie situation isn't really getting any better. Having seen him 3 Mondays in a row now...oh, and 'bumped into' him last Friday...(WITH Adele and Maddie i might add!)- my feelings are getting out of control. I read the last blog entries i wrote about him before he came back on the scene and lordd...Ive been played. Ive been played a lot. To the extreme almost. I think I'm going to take Rachel's advice and 'stay in control'. Obviously he'll want to meet up next Monday too...so i was thinking that i might just tell him that I'm 'busy' or whatever. Although it will mean having to keep my sex drive at an all time high for another week running- he may just start to get the point hopefully. However...we have planned to switch the 'pleasure' over to my side of the deal next week... :S maybe i might just save the 'busy' plan for the week after (which consequently will be half term...and so much more convenient!).
Also- i now have more men than ever. Ive been a very naughty Alex and have acquired some 'man candy' that i met over the Internet about a year ago- who's name also happens to be Alex. :S Bad times i know, but i cant help the fact that he is mildly good looking, funny, talkative and has the male organs that make me want him so much!! lol. I think i may have hinted that i like him just a little too much more than i should do at this stage during text messages that have been sent mid-week after out little meet ups from the past two Mondays (yes...I'm a whore. Ive realised.) He's offered to give me a massage next week and then i think he wants me to kiss him in return for such a kind gesture. :S oh lord. I'm going to feel rather guilty next Monday. Actually...i probably wont, but i should. lol.
Bad + Good times much.
This is a confused and out righlty lucky and selfish Alex signing off
Good bike
xxxxxxxxxxx
H.E. is either one of the biggest wastes of my life, or the least- i cant yet decide. All i do know is that the coursework element of it all is SHITE. I cba to do any of it and here i am, having read all my blog entries over the past year because i feel that i have nothing better to do with my life.
OMG. in case i hadn't mentioned it before, i am now obsessed with the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer and the film of the first book is intended to come out on 19th December. I absoultey cant wait now...getting to breaking point :S
The Ollie situation isn't really getting any better. Having seen him 3 Mondays in a row now...oh, and 'bumped into' him last Friday...(WITH Adele and Maddie i might add!)- my feelings are getting out of control. I read the last blog entries i wrote about him before he came back on the scene and lordd...Ive been played. Ive been played a lot. To the extreme almost. I think I'm going to take Rachel's advice and 'stay in control'. Obviously he'll want to meet up next Monday too...so i was thinking that i might just tell him that I'm 'busy' or whatever. Although it will mean having to keep my sex drive at an all time high for another week running- he may just start to get the point hopefully. However...we have planned to switch the 'pleasure' over to my side of the deal next week... :S maybe i might just save the 'busy' plan for the week after (which consequently will be half term...and so much more convenient!).
Also- i now have more men than ever. Ive been a very naughty Alex and have acquired some 'man candy' that i met over the Internet about a year ago- who's name also happens to be Alex. :S Bad times i know, but i cant help the fact that he is mildly good looking, funny, talkative and has the male organs that make me want him so much!! lol. I think i may have hinted that i like him just a little too much more than i should do at this stage during text messages that have been sent mid-week after out little meet ups from the past two Mondays (yes...I'm a whore. Ive realised.) He's offered to give me a massage next week and then i think he wants me to kiss him in return for such a kind gesture. :S oh lord. I'm going to feel rather guilty next Monday. Actually...i probably wont, but i should. lol.
Bad + Good times much.
This is a confused and out righlty lucky and selfish Alex signing off
Good bike
xxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
Honesty
The following is a letter to Ollie:
Ollie,
I need you to understand me and to listen to me while I’m completely honest with you.
I want you to know that the last time I spoke to you, before we did'nt talk for ages that you really hurt me. When I saw that you wanted someone other than me and the fact that you had posted it publicly for other people to see made me go on automatic self-destruct. That night, I made myself throw up everything Id eaten that day until I could barely breathe. I think it was the worst time id done it, bar once before, and I felt that I was at an all time low. So I destroyed everything you’d ever given me, any pictures I had of you, deleted you from my MySpace and Facebook accounts and I attempted to not think of you every day after that. I failed miserably. I thought of you every second of every day and I blamed myself for the fact that we were no longer talking although everyone around me was telling me the opposite. I loved you, despite what you’d done to me. This was something that drove me to near insanity, and so my illness flared up again.
Then, when I’d gotten so desperate for any kind of distraction, I started to throw myself into shitty relationships with guys I barely knew. Every kiss, every touch, everything I did with them- I imagined it was you. No one could ever understand why I did it- not even myself. I’d gotten so self destructive that people were starting to worry that I might kill myself. Although I had considered it, I could never bring myself to do it, which just made me think I was even weaker.
Then Ashley came along. He was everything I needed, everything I thought that I wanted. He was kind, gentle, loving, non-pressuring. But in my mind, he didn’t affect me like you always used to. He’d gladly listen to me, be supportive, ask me how I was frequently- playing the perfect gentleman.But he couldn’t make me laugh, make me feel comfortable, able to be myself and most of all, I didn’t want him like I wanted you.
I couldn’t understand this excruciating pain you were causing me with your absence, and so that night when I first spoke to you again on MSN I finally felt the first bit of relief that I had in ages. I tried not to show it to you, to make you think I was stronger without you. But when I heard that you’d had a ‘sort of’ girlfriend, the jealously made me almost want to make myself throw up again. I was in shock from the way you were making me feel and I realised that I was suddenly addicted again. I couldn’t go for a single day without replaying the conversation we’d had. When you’d said that you had gotten in a fight and your nose got broken I felt like gathering you into my arms and kissing you until you couldn’t breathe- I wanted to protect you, make you fine again. It was abnormal and wrong for me to feel that way, but I wanted you so much that it felt like I was constantly suffering, like there was always a dull pain in the centre of my chest.
So when I met up with you on your birthday, I already knew that I was going to kiss you whether you liked it or not. I was that desperate to have you with me again. It took all the willpower I had in me not to reach over to where you sat away from me and put your hand against my chest, to hug you and keep you there, to kiss you with as much passion and lust that I had held inside myself for so long. I knew I loved you again when you smiled at me, made me laugh in return, and talked to me to get me out of my shell. And when you said that you hated Ashley, I couldn’t help but be secretly thrilled that you actually wanted me still- despite everything we’d gone through.
When you kissed me it was out of this world. My entire body felt like it had burst into flames, my whole being wanted you to want me like I wanted you that it caused me even more pain. The desperation and longing that id felt was suddenly consumed in that one moment and I suddenly felt whole again. When we said goodbye it broke my heart to see you go. I cursed everything under the sun that I was stuck at an all girl’s boarding school, away from you and any chance of seeing you any time soon. I hated everything with a sincere passion.
I know this is all really overwhelming probably, but I think that you deserve to know what I feel, felt and am going to feel before we make any irrational decisions. I love you, Ollie, despite everything that happened, everything you did, everything I did, all the pain we’ve caused each other. But I want you to know that I’d do anything for you, to make you happy. I still don’t understand it, but this is how I feel. And now I want to know what you think, whether your feelings are even a fraction of what I feel and felt for you. If you don’t feel the same way or want me back, then I completely understand- more than understand. I just want to know how you feel, about me, about what I think, about what I’ve done and if there is any chance for us at all. I just want us to have some fun together, be together and make each other happy- like I think we both deserve.
And if this all turns to shit, then I’m sorry, truly I am, for what I’ve done and that I’ve lost you.
Ollie,
I need you to understand me and to listen to me while I’m completely honest with you.
I want you to know that the last time I spoke to you, before we did'nt talk for ages that you really hurt me. When I saw that you wanted someone other than me and the fact that you had posted it publicly for other people to see made me go on automatic self-destruct. That night, I made myself throw up everything Id eaten that day until I could barely breathe. I think it was the worst time id done it, bar once before, and I felt that I was at an all time low. So I destroyed everything you’d ever given me, any pictures I had of you, deleted you from my MySpace and Facebook accounts and I attempted to not think of you every day after that. I failed miserably. I thought of you every second of every day and I blamed myself for the fact that we were no longer talking although everyone around me was telling me the opposite. I loved you, despite what you’d done to me. This was something that drove me to near insanity, and so my illness flared up again.
Then, when I’d gotten so desperate for any kind of distraction, I started to throw myself into shitty relationships with guys I barely knew. Every kiss, every touch, everything I did with them- I imagined it was you. No one could ever understand why I did it- not even myself. I’d gotten so self destructive that people were starting to worry that I might kill myself. Although I had considered it, I could never bring myself to do it, which just made me think I was even weaker.
Then Ashley came along. He was everything I needed, everything I thought that I wanted. He was kind, gentle, loving, non-pressuring. But in my mind, he didn’t affect me like you always used to. He’d gladly listen to me, be supportive, ask me how I was frequently- playing the perfect gentleman.But he couldn’t make me laugh, make me feel comfortable, able to be myself and most of all, I didn’t want him like I wanted you.
I couldn’t understand this excruciating pain you were causing me with your absence, and so that night when I first spoke to you again on MSN I finally felt the first bit of relief that I had in ages. I tried not to show it to you, to make you think I was stronger without you. But when I heard that you’d had a ‘sort of’ girlfriend, the jealously made me almost want to make myself throw up again. I was in shock from the way you were making me feel and I realised that I was suddenly addicted again. I couldn’t go for a single day without replaying the conversation we’d had. When you’d said that you had gotten in a fight and your nose got broken I felt like gathering you into my arms and kissing you until you couldn’t breathe- I wanted to protect you, make you fine again. It was abnormal and wrong for me to feel that way, but I wanted you so much that it felt like I was constantly suffering, like there was always a dull pain in the centre of my chest.
So when I met up with you on your birthday, I already knew that I was going to kiss you whether you liked it or not. I was that desperate to have you with me again. It took all the willpower I had in me not to reach over to where you sat away from me and put your hand against my chest, to hug you and keep you there, to kiss you with as much passion and lust that I had held inside myself for so long. I knew I loved you again when you smiled at me, made me laugh in return, and talked to me to get me out of my shell. And when you said that you hated Ashley, I couldn’t help but be secretly thrilled that you actually wanted me still- despite everything we’d gone through.
When you kissed me it was out of this world. My entire body felt like it had burst into flames, my whole being wanted you to want me like I wanted you that it caused me even more pain. The desperation and longing that id felt was suddenly consumed in that one moment and I suddenly felt whole again. When we said goodbye it broke my heart to see you go. I cursed everything under the sun that I was stuck at an all girl’s boarding school, away from you and any chance of seeing you any time soon. I hated everything with a sincere passion.
I know this is all really overwhelming probably, but I think that you deserve to know what I feel, felt and am going to feel before we make any irrational decisions. I love you, Ollie, despite everything that happened, everything you did, everything I did, all the pain we’ve caused each other. But I want you to know that I’d do anything for you, to make you happy. I still don’t understand it, but this is how I feel. And now I want to know what you think, whether your feelings are even a fraction of what I feel and felt for you. If you don’t feel the same way or want me back, then I completely understand- more than understand. I just want to know how you feel, about me, about what I think, about what I’ve done and if there is any chance for us at all. I just want us to have some fun together, be together and make each other happy- like I think we both deserve.
And if this all turns to shit, then I’m sorry, truly I am, for what I’ve done and that I’ve lost you.
Wednesday, 24 September 2008
Not working
OK...so my summer blog didn't exactly make it all the way- but i think it was due to the sudden importance of Facebook and Myspace. Good times. I realise just how much time i used to spend on them now that I'm back at school- now that i cant visit them at all.
So its only the third week back and I'm going crazy already. Lack of freedom (or too much, as Lucy hastens to add) is driving me insane. Now that i actually have a social life, i cant use it to its full potential and that is why i cant wait till sixth form.
A lot has changed since my last blog. Ive now got a boyfriend who Ive managed to go nearly all the way with (but stopped at the last minute i hasten to add). But, here's the weird thing- i don't think i actually fancy him. I mean, hes all the things i SHOULD want in a boyf. Hes nice, funny, gentle, interesting....but there's no spark. Nothing dark or dangerous about him- nothing unknown. Hes not even slightly seductive, and (OK, now I'm being a REAL bitch)...not even that good looking. But, if I'm going to have a physical relationship with someone (due to the fact he doesn't talk, our relationship usually consists of us just going off in to the woods), id prefer if i actually fancied them. God...im a facking waste.
And so...enter the one male on this planet that i really really want but CANT have for several reasons: Ollie Denman. I don't even know what this boy holds over me...but the fact that hes a complete contrast to Ash (current boyf) makes him even more irresistible. Hes darkly beautiful, seductive, sexy, funny, talkative, interesting, amazing..
gah. stupid boys.
I think that sentence just about sums up my life.
Anyway, enough for this week- roll on tomorrow :)
Alex
xxxxxxxxxxx
So its only the third week back and I'm going crazy already. Lack of freedom (or too much, as Lucy hastens to add) is driving me insane. Now that i actually have a social life, i cant use it to its full potential and that is why i cant wait till sixth form.
A lot has changed since my last blog. Ive now got a boyfriend who Ive managed to go nearly all the way with (but stopped at the last minute i hasten to add). But, here's the weird thing- i don't think i actually fancy him. I mean, hes all the things i SHOULD want in a boyf. Hes nice, funny, gentle, interesting....but there's no spark. Nothing dark or dangerous about him- nothing unknown. Hes not even slightly seductive, and (OK, now I'm being a REAL bitch)...not even that good looking. But, if I'm going to have a physical relationship with someone (due to the fact he doesn't talk, our relationship usually consists of us just going off in to the woods), id prefer if i actually fancied them. God...im a facking waste.
And so...enter the one male on this planet that i really really want but CANT have for several reasons: Ollie Denman. I don't even know what this boy holds over me...but the fact that hes a complete contrast to Ash (current boyf) makes him even more irresistible. Hes darkly beautiful, seductive, sexy, funny, talkative, interesting, amazing..
gah. stupid boys.
I think that sentence just about sums up my life.
Anyway, enough for this week- roll on tomorrow :)
Alex
xxxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Questions
Today i realised that i have been very silly.
Having spoken to my singing teacher for my entire singing lesson once again (this time on the subject of potential boyfriends, the pressure of having one etc etc) i realise that i have been giving out the totally wrong vibes.
I have to acknowledge the fact that yes, i do want a boyfriend but i also have to realise that i have to be comfortable in my own skin before i go making any brash decisions. My teacher told me about one of her friends that is single, happy and gorgeous- has men falling at her feet, and yet she doesn't want a boyfriend. She just goes with the flow. I really wish i could be like her.
In fact, i think and hope that that is what I'm going to do from now on. I do want a boyfriend, but i have to make the world believe that i don't want one, act happy (and be happy!) in my own skin and not feel that a man/ boy will complete me and make me ecstatically happy. This sounds incredibly easy to do on a computer screen- but by god ...its going to be tough in real life.
Right. This is it. The start of a new Alex. A happier Alex, a fresher Alex. I just hope that i can make this work. I need to stop chasing happiness and just let the good times roll.
Love to you all,
Alex
xxxxxx
Having spoken to my singing teacher for my entire singing lesson once again (this time on the subject of potential boyfriends, the pressure of having one etc etc) i realise that i have been giving out the totally wrong vibes.
I have to acknowledge the fact that yes, i do want a boyfriend but i also have to realise that i have to be comfortable in my own skin before i go making any brash decisions. My teacher told me about one of her friends that is single, happy and gorgeous- has men falling at her feet, and yet she doesn't want a boyfriend. She just goes with the flow. I really wish i could be like her.
In fact, i think and hope that that is what I'm going to do from now on. I do want a boyfriend, but i have to make the world believe that i don't want one, act happy (and be happy!) in my own skin and not feel that a man/ boy will complete me and make me ecstatically happy. This sounds incredibly easy to do on a computer screen- but by god ...its going to be tough in real life.
Right. This is it. The start of a new Alex. A happier Alex, a fresher Alex. I just hope that i can make this work. I need to stop chasing happiness and just let the good times roll.
Love to you all,
Alex
xxxxxx
Thursday, 19 June 2008
Updates
Today i got a smosh poster from caseman :)
Just to let you know...
Just to let you know...
- I'm no longer talking to Olly for a number of reasons:
- he put up pictures of a SLAAG and said he 'loved' and 'wanted' her...he didn't even have the backbone to tell me he'd found someone else!
- Ive realised he is not worthy of my time/ energy
- he isn't even that pretty
- hes a man whore...quite frankly.
I wish id realised this earlier tbh. I think overall things are going to get better from now on with this whole me-wanting-a-bf-situation. I'm going to try not to think about men in particular from now on and i wont jump at every opportunity to get off with anything that breathes and has a penis.
Ohhh dear I'm rather desperados.
Good bike xx
Thursday, 12 June 2008
?
today i did my second maths module
and i think a B is in order tbh.
which isn't all that good but meh. theres always re-taking.
I am now finding myself in a bit of a dilemma....Olly is back on the scene and i don't know what I'm doing. I'm meant to be going to a party this Friday 'with' him (or sort of first date or w/e but tbh i don't really think that's what its classed as when your only planning to get off with them) in a field next to or in the aquadrome. However he may not be going cos his auntie is ill in Coventry or something :S
i think ill go anyway. Tilly + Hannah are going and Tilly said shed introduce me to a few people...so i think it wud be a good social experience for me :) good times
also...alcohol has been promised. Tbh i miss it so much i may even just go for the free booze.
lol. so fickle.
But anyway back to Olly...he was asking whether id actually have sex with him on Friday.
The funny thing is i was actually considering it for a while before reality kicked in and my head was screwed on once more and i realised that this would be a totally hobo-esque thing to do.
So maybe not :S
However i have planned to go further along the bases on Friday with him...that is, if he shows up!
lol.
bulimia is getting better- managed not to throw up for 4 days in a row last week, happy Alex!
and i think I'm making progress with the whole situation.
Anyway...g2g and talk to Caseman cos she is BACK! yaaaaaaayy :)
love to all of you saviours of the Internet xxxx
and i think a B is in order tbh.
which isn't all that good but meh. theres always re-taking.
I am now finding myself in a bit of a dilemma....Olly is back on the scene and i don't know what I'm doing. I'm meant to be going to a party this Friday 'with' him (or sort of first date or w/e but tbh i don't really think that's what its classed as when your only planning to get off with them) in a field next to or in the aquadrome. However he may not be going cos his auntie is ill in Coventry or something :S
i think ill go anyway. Tilly + Hannah are going and Tilly said shed introduce me to a few people...so i think it wud be a good social experience for me :) good times
also...alcohol has been promised. Tbh i miss it so much i may even just go for the free booze.
lol. so fickle.
But anyway back to Olly...he was asking whether id actually have sex with him on Friday.
The funny thing is i was actually considering it for a while before reality kicked in and my head was screwed on once more and i realised that this would be a totally hobo-esque thing to do.
So maybe not :S
However i have planned to go further along the bases on Friday with him...that is, if he shows up!
lol.
bulimia is getting better- managed not to throw up for 4 days in a row last week, happy Alex!
and i think I'm making progress with the whole situation.
Anyway...g2g and talk to Caseman cos she is BACK! yaaaaaaayy :)
love to all of you saviours of the Internet xxxx
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Saturday, 10 May 2008
This IS normal- i swear!
Today i am at lucy's house
So yes, this usually happens- i enter into a specific diary quite regularly for about 6 months and then i piss off, do something stupid and end up writing in here again...so i bet you can guess what this blog is going to be about?!
The Hoosiers gig was amazing btw- saw 'The Script', incredible Irish band who mix R'N'B with soul and pop + rock! Immense stuff..the other back up band were called 'I am Finn' they were also good, nice beat etc. Then the Hoosiers came on stage....OMG they were incredible and Irwin even got to that incredibly high note he does in his acoustic solo number- that man is amazing!
Ironically..that weekend they had been named 'The Worst Band In Britain'. But tbh i really cant see why!
Maths module also went well- got an A and was one mark off an A* but my maths teacher says that i can still achieve it if i really work hard...and i think i just might!
Apart from that...my life has pretty much gone downhill. Ive come to terms with it now, but for a while Ive been thinking deeply about my weight and how I look. And now for about 2-3 months i have had bulimia nervosa. Its been horrible and it still is. I just hope that i can get better somehow. The sad truth is that i really don't want to stop what I'm doing- although nothing is actually coming of it and in fact Ive actually gained weight whilst I've been doing this. But then again Ive had my best friend i could ever had to help me through it all- Caseman. Who's full name shall not be posted on here for privacy reasons (and the fact that once she found out that i have an online blog i instantly banned her from reading it).
What can i say about her? She absolutely incredible. Shes always there for me- shes always there to listen, to put up with me and my incompetency, my bottled up emotions, my bitches and brawls and in the end she'll always forgive me. I love her to pieces. Its as simple as that. And i don't know what id do without her.
So Caseman- if you are reading this...then i hope you know that i love you, no matter what you do, what i do or whatever happens between us. Because in the end- we're all that we've got baby...and ill always be here for you.
I love you- my best friend, my rock, my star, my world.
xxxxxxxxx
So yes, this usually happens- i enter into a specific diary quite regularly for about 6 months and then i piss off, do something stupid and end up writing in here again...so i bet you can guess what this blog is going to be about?!
The Hoosiers gig was amazing btw- saw 'The Script', incredible Irish band who mix R'N'B with soul and pop + rock! Immense stuff..the other back up band were called 'I am Finn' they were also good, nice beat etc. Then the Hoosiers came on stage....OMG they were incredible and Irwin even got to that incredibly high note he does in his acoustic solo number- that man is amazing!
Ironically..that weekend they had been named 'The Worst Band In Britain'. But tbh i really cant see why!
Maths module also went well- got an A and was one mark off an A* but my maths teacher says that i can still achieve it if i really work hard...and i think i just might!
Apart from that...my life has pretty much gone downhill. Ive come to terms with it now, but for a while Ive been thinking deeply about my weight and how I look. And now for about 2-3 months i have had bulimia nervosa. Its been horrible and it still is. I just hope that i can get better somehow. The sad truth is that i really don't want to stop what I'm doing- although nothing is actually coming of it and in fact Ive actually gained weight whilst I've been doing this. But then again Ive had my best friend i could ever had to help me through it all- Caseman. Who's full name shall not be posted on here for privacy reasons (and the fact that once she found out that i have an online blog i instantly banned her from reading it).
What can i say about her? She absolutely incredible. Shes always there for me- shes always there to listen, to put up with me and my incompetency, my bottled up emotions, my bitches and brawls and in the end she'll always forgive me. I love her to pieces. Its as simple as that. And i don't know what id do without her.
So Caseman- if you are reading this...then i hope you know that i love you, no matter what you do, what i do or whatever happens between us. Because in the end- we're all that we've got baby...and ill always be here for you.
I love you- my best friend, my rock, my star, my world.
xxxxxxxxx
Sunday, 3 February 2008
best days of my life
HELLO WORLD!
Ive finally found my true calling as a teenager- house parties :D
went to my first one yesterday (Saturday 2nd February) and loved every minute of it! Gawd i cant believe its been all this time and this is only my first one! But ye...KMK is over! and i reaally reaally don't want it to be. I love it sooo much...and its great meeting new people in that- i just wish i was more sociable and unscared of peoples reactions to me and what they really think. I need to take a leaf out of Mel's book! she really is increds at socialising..
so anyway let me give you the brief on last night-
so KMK finishes at 10:30 ish...everyones really happy and sad at the same time and i say hi to Muv + Papi and Weenie. I dare mum to ask shaun for his autograph and as ever...she accepts the challenge, marches over to him and comes back with 'love from Sean chambers' on her leaflet thang :D lol shes bloody mad that woman!
so then...we get into Frankie's mum's car with all our stuff and hitch a ride to Anita's leaving all our stuff in her mum's car.
Anita shows us upstairs to dump our bags and that was where i think her little bro was...not sure but he was quite PHittt :D
anyway...we come back downstairs and grab a beer each- realise it tastes like shite and then mix it with coke: much better i say :D
so we dance the night away to some WICKED tunness and i have to say, Dave's dancing was atrociously cool! jimmy and Johnny had a dance off in the kitchen, Johnny doing the ever so cool 'ball' dance....*shakes head* but yes...twas cool.
THEENN...we hear the sounds of a ruckus up the front yaaardd as Ian hecox might say...so we run to the door to see maria and sky having a mahoosive bitch fight over Greg..who i have to say looked like a scared pigeon. lol i really wont miss that guy.
so then Dave takes his top off..and oh my, he has sponge bob boxers on....the ultimate 'cool' signature...oh how i laughed...
and he has a really soft back :D
so yer...we danced and we partied until about 2 when Frankie's mum picked us up and drove us back to her house which was STUNNING. the kitchen was about the size of my living room- incredible.
maria then casually throws up all night- rach looks after her and me (being lazy and all) go back to sleep...wake up at about 11 and have breakfast until 12.
Dave then gets a red pen and corrects the entire KMK leaflet with autobiographies from everyone...twas good. THEEN put the raadio on and sang 'worried about ray' by the hoosiers...with a slight twist-
'im sooo tired...of being worried....about DAVE!'
oh good times *wipes tear*
so yer..watched TV, Borat, more TV until 5 when we got dropped back at school
BEST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE.
apart from new development- soon to be
OMG IM GOING TO SEE THE HOOSIERS ON MARCH 1ST!Kim's 16th bday prezzie...OMGOM OGMGOMGOMGM SOSOOOOO EXCITED!
will tell you all next time i see you :D
love to you all xxxxxxxxx
Ive finally found my true calling as a teenager- house parties :D
went to my first one yesterday (Saturday 2nd February) and loved every minute of it! Gawd i cant believe its been all this time and this is only my first one! But ye...KMK is over! and i reaally reaally don't want it to be. I love it sooo much...and its great meeting new people in that- i just wish i was more sociable and unscared of peoples reactions to me and what they really think. I need to take a leaf out of Mel's book! she really is increds at socialising..
so anyway let me give you the brief on last night-
so KMK finishes at 10:30 ish...everyones really happy and sad at the same time and i say hi to Muv + Papi and Weenie. I dare mum to ask shaun for his autograph and as ever...she accepts the challenge, marches over to him and comes back with 'love from Sean chambers' on her leaflet thang :D lol shes bloody mad that woman!
so then...we get into Frankie's mum's car with all our stuff and hitch a ride to Anita's leaving all our stuff in her mum's car.
Anita shows us upstairs to dump our bags and that was where i think her little bro was...not sure but he was quite PHittt :D
anyway...we come back downstairs and grab a beer each- realise it tastes like shite and then mix it with coke: much better i say :D
so we dance the night away to some WICKED tunness and i have to say, Dave's dancing was atrociously cool! jimmy and Johnny had a dance off in the kitchen, Johnny doing the ever so cool 'ball' dance....*shakes head* but yes...twas cool.
THEENN...we hear the sounds of a ruckus up the front yaaardd as Ian hecox might say...so we run to the door to see maria and sky having a mahoosive bitch fight over Greg..who i have to say looked like a scared pigeon. lol i really wont miss that guy.
so then Dave takes his top off..and oh my, he has sponge bob boxers on....the ultimate 'cool' signature...oh how i laughed...
and he has a really soft back :D
so yer...we danced and we partied until about 2 when Frankie's mum picked us up and drove us back to her house which was STUNNING. the kitchen was about the size of my living room- incredible.
maria then casually throws up all night- rach looks after her and me (being lazy and all) go back to sleep...wake up at about 11 and have breakfast until 12.
Dave then gets a red pen and corrects the entire KMK leaflet with autobiographies from everyone...twas good. THEEN put the raadio on and sang 'worried about ray' by the hoosiers...with a slight twist-
'im sooo tired...of being worried....about DAVE!'
oh good times *wipes tear*
so yer..watched TV, Borat, more TV until 5 when we got dropped back at school
BEST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE.
apart from new development- soon to be
OMG IM GOING TO SEE THE HOOSIERS ON MARCH 1ST!Kim's 16th bday prezzie...OMGOM OGMGOMGOMGM SOSOOOOO EXCITED!
will tell you all next time i see you :D
love to you all xxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 24 January 2008
New Developments :D
LOL. Today was uneventful..but daammnn yesterdayy!
sooo i get a text last night at about 5:10 ish from the infamous Olly saying: 'cum to the scool gates x'
OMG. i practically screamed and grabbed some clothes (and sophie :D lol) and pegged it down to the school gates and he was standing there with david...his mate that i met at bonfire night- he's really nice...but a bit of a chav... :S rach likes him tho (Y)
so yer we chatted about everything a teenager can chat about regularly and he was like...'so we're friends now?' and i said yee and then he went 'well i want you to know that I've matured a lot since then and ye..' it was raather cute!
problem tho: Ive sworn on my mothers life that i wont go out with him....
but then again i havent said i wont fool around with him! :D
lol just hope he keeps his word this time..and actually comes to see me.. stupid cock.
ugh...but yer twas nice just talking to someone....male...outside of school...argh...cant believe I'm not going home this exeat..PISSED OFF FACE.
but yer tis Kiss Me Kate on friday, saturday, sunday, monday, wednesday, thursday, friday AND saturday again. omg going to be soooo tired and no homework will be achieved. so Ms. Adamson will be PISSED. lol i hate that woman
anyway off now...choir calls :D xxx
sooo i get a text last night at about 5:10 ish from the infamous Olly saying: 'cum to the scool gates x'
OMG. i practically screamed and grabbed some clothes (and sophie :D lol) and pegged it down to the school gates and he was standing there with david...his mate that i met at bonfire night- he's really nice...but a bit of a chav... :S rach likes him tho (Y)
so yer we chatted about everything a teenager can chat about regularly and he was like...'so we're friends now?' and i said yee and then he went 'well i want you to know that I've matured a lot since then and ye..' it was raather cute!
problem tho: Ive sworn on my mothers life that i wont go out with him....
but then again i havent said i wont fool around with him! :D
lol just hope he keeps his word this time..and actually comes to see me.. stupid cock.
ugh...but yer twas nice just talking to someone....male...outside of school...argh...cant believe I'm not going home this exeat..PISSED OFF FACE.
but yer tis Kiss Me Kate on friday, saturday, sunday, monday, wednesday, thursday, friday AND saturday again. omg going to be soooo tired and no homework will be achieved. so Ms. Adamson will be PISSED. lol i hate that woman
anyway off now...choir calls :D xxx
Thursday, 10 January 2008
New Year
New year New start, as they say, and that's exactly what i intend to do :D
had a FANTASTIC new year- kieran came over with all his family and we stayed up till 8am- i mean 8AM! this is me for chrrriisssake...but aaah twas amazing- got a tad friskaay in the living room in the dark...omg- increds
upper body fondling- check!
my new year has so far given me hope to live..also Freyja is breaking up with Olly on Saturday...and may i just say a sneaky little YEESSSS!!! *shrugs shoulders* tis only natural :D
aaah new year is just soo good so far- and i intend to keep it that way..so if anyone i know is reading this then BUGGER OFF...because you aren't going to mess this up for me.
OK so..new years resolutions:
-take care of my nails and try not to chew them
-compliment 2 people everyday
-be more confident with myself
-make more of an effort in conversation
- by the end of the year get down to 9 stone...lol.
i think they were pretty good :) but the 9 stone one looks like it'll never happen...atm.
haven't done any exercise since christmas, unless you count the 15 mins i spent hopelessly running around the sports hall in netball today..and the frantic rush up to the music rooms...
:S
will go to the gym after kiss me kate on sun...or monday and tuesday :D 600 cals aren't going to burn themselves!
also..must drink more water- am trying to drink 2 litres a day but its not working quite yet. Although I'm aiming to drink instead of eat snacks- it fills you up see :)
anyway must be off...good TV starts at 8- celeb hijack and Waterloo road awaits! lol I'm sad I know...
love you all xxx
had a FANTASTIC new year- kieran came over with all his family and we stayed up till 8am- i mean 8AM! this is me for chrrriisssake...but aaah twas amazing- got a tad friskaay in the living room in the dark...omg- increds
upper body fondling- check!
my new year has so far given me hope to live..also Freyja is breaking up with Olly on Saturday...and may i just say a sneaky little YEESSSS!!! *shrugs shoulders* tis only natural :D
aaah new year is just soo good so far- and i intend to keep it that way..so if anyone i know is reading this then BUGGER OFF...because you aren't going to mess this up for me.
OK so..new years resolutions:
-take care of my nails and try not to chew them
-compliment 2 people everyday
-be more confident with myself
-make more of an effort in conversation
- by the end of the year get down to 9 stone...lol.
i think they were pretty good :) but the 9 stone one looks like it'll never happen...atm.
haven't done any exercise since christmas, unless you count the 15 mins i spent hopelessly running around the sports hall in netball today..and the frantic rush up to the music rooms...
:S
will go to the gym after kiss me kate on sun...or monday and tuesday :D 600 cals aren't going to burn themselves!
also..must drink more water- am trying to drink 2 litres a day but its not working quite yet. Although I'm aiming to drink instead of eat snacks- it fills you up see :)
anyway must be off...good TV starts at 8- celeb hijack and Waterloo road awaits! lol I'm sad I know...
love you all xxx
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