new developments..

So an new development has occurred. Hannah came to visit Nom and Mel on Friday evening (7th jan)and so as to avoid her, I stayed out of the house as much as I could and went out in the evening after a singing lesson to spoons with Caseman. About 20 mins before she left I had a text wondering where I was, despite the fact she had already invaded my flat, thrown my sloth around and written on my desk (can’t EXPLAIN how angry I was), as I was leaving the house (fortunately I heard them coming upstairs so ran down the other staircase). However, that night I got explicitly drunk on alcohol Caseman bought me, ended up being fucked by about 7.30pm and throwing up by 8.15pm. and you know what pissed me off most about it all? Was because I had fucked my body around, simply because I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted to forget about her. I’m so sick of it!
I then get a text around 1am basically explaining how she ‘has it in her head’ that she should leave me alone, despite seeing me on NYE, having a perfectly nice phone call, Facebook chatting normally. It’s weird. Ever since this new year has started its almost like she has realised what she should have done in the first place- leave me alone. Annoyingly, part of me is really rather hurt and unhappy. Most of me actually. However, I’m trying to block this about by ignoring it and simply trying to be grateful that she has at last learnt her lesson (6 months late of course, but this is Hannah we’re dealing with here).
Anyway. So now, I am completely ignoring her. Having deleted my Facebook temporarily, I have no idea what she’s up to, but have found the experience quite liberating. I’m considering extending my period of abstinence as its nice not worrying about what might and what might not have happened with her. If I do actually go back to Facebook (which I suppose I shall have to in time) then i might actually delete her. Either way, I think it shall be beneficial. (Also I have told myself that if worst comes to worst I can actually borrow someone’s account to stalk her and say it’s for other such purposes... or maybe Mel’s. Because Mel knows I suppose.) So I shall have ways around it. Apart from the moments where I dwell on things, I’m actually finding it easier.
I remember a time a while ago when we had spent the evening in London together and she had told me about a girl called Anna at Uni who was ‘just like her’- gay and all. ‘Wonderful’ I thought ‘another thing for me to be totally obsessed and worried about’. Having found certain pictures that suggest just what I had worried about, I became totally engulfed in worry and misery. And what for? What good did it actually do me? As much as it hurts to admit it, her moving on with someone totally new and exciting etc etc might do me a world of good. I’m just praying it comes soon so that when it does, I have time to get over it, fuck someone myself and move on.
In fact I’ve decided what I need. A year of abstention from male-female sex has driven me a bit crazy. Annoying, part of what is holding me back is letting Hannah win. Until recently (or at least when I was with her) I was an open bisexual. Not a complete lesbian. So in theory, I suppose it would be fair. In fact it might hurt her more if I got with a guy next instead of a girl. This worryingly alarms me at how I immediately think of me with a new profile picture with my new girlfriend and Hannah crying all night at the thought of what we do together. I think I’m slightly insane? Slash jealous, slash a vicious uncaring monster who just wants revenge on her ex-girlfriend for cruelly dumping her mid-relationship with not much reasoning other than ‘I won’t have time to see you this summer and I can’t deal with long distant relationships’ and then dragging out any remnants of friendship we had into what I can only describe as a 6 month long divorce from a relationship.

FUCK ME. I needed that.
I have serious issues (that I’m trying to sort out at least). Anyway, enough for tonight. I needed a good rant about Friday, so here we are. Day 2 of what I hope to be a new start. Wish me luck xx

the beginning of the end

so i need to start writing on here again. i think the only way to get through this pain is to just let it all out in a safe and confined space, but one where no one has to hear it or see it. people may be understanding, but theres a limit and i don't want people to think i'm still heartbroken. damn new years resolutions about not caring what other people think. i'm going to be determined to write what i'm REALLY feeling on here- so i can remember it, bottle it and move on. its coming up to the 6 month mark now and i really cant deal with another half a years crying and heartbreak.

so where to begin? im lost.

its been technically 6 months since my break up with hannah. even writing her name makes me cringe still and hurt a little inside. which shows i suppose im getting better. i still cant look at picture of her though- like really look at them. when im on her profile (like... everyday) i cant look at her profile picture. it actually burns. in real life, weirdly, its not as bad. mainly because i just let myself be dead inside. nothings about me when im with her- i wont let it happen. i cant let it happen. if i let her in again, im gone. there will be nothing of me left. its just self preservation but i feel like a bitch.

i want to be the good person in all of this. after all- she broke up with me. but i'm managing to feel more guilty as the months go on. its my conscience thats blocking me from cutting her off all together as she will have something to say about it always- saying how she never cut me off, and how as her friend i should respect that. the thing she cant gage is that i was never her friend even to start with. we began as fuck buddies and turned into a summer romance. not even lovers really- because she never loved me. even when she says it now i cant let myself believe it. i physically CANT.

when she sends 'lots of love' all that runs through my mind is 'yeah right'. its sad, i know. but i cant allow myself to believe she cares even an inch about me. although on the odd occasion that i begin to allow myself to believe, her actions do seem viable.

all sorts of things run through my mind regarding the break up. part of me even believed that she'd been with someone else. and she felt guilty- or at least wanted to see where it went with them before uni so she could try something different. i dont know whether or not she was capable of being that cruel, but i was once. so you never know with people. its very hard to tell.

sometimes i convince myself that that was what truly had happened, and then i dont feel bad about cutting her off. theres no real way of telling though.

the truth is, that as much as id like to break all contact with her, no matter how many times i try, i miss her incredibly. she was mean and horrid and cruel and SUCH a heartbreaker that i should have seen it all from the beginning. she ticked all the boxes- complicated, beautiful, unique, gifted, talented, strange, foreign, kooky, funny... everything you could want in a person. and i miss it- truly i do. no matter how much i tell myself i dont- i really really miss hannah.

i miss curling up with her in the day time, watching lame shit on TV, eating munch, discussing sloths and cute animals, talking to her about my problems, testing her to see how much she cared about me. being with her at night, watching her sleep, the feel of her skin, her hair, her smile, her eyes, her glasses, the way she walks, her accent, her ability to speak Portuguese. being able to wake up and be truly happy with life and smile and think, i wonder what today will bring. i miss being content and thinking 'i can take on the world, because as long as shes with me, no one can bring me down'. will i ever feel like that again? will i ever be able to wake up and smile to myself? giggle uncontrollably because down the corridor or in bed next to me there is someone so beautiful, someone so amazing, that i could lose my existence and still be happy- as long as she was there? i really dont think so.

and so, im now in tears again- but hopefully its the beginning of the end of these tears. im committed to making this work- to getting over her and missing her so passionatley it hurts to even type her name.

i miss you so much hannah. but i wish to god that you never discover that.