This week...ive seen far too much of the world.
I am 15 years old. Female. Classed as 'clever' and sometimes, when the boat is pushed out a bit, a 'boffin'. I never thought that i would be one to join the morning after club. But on Tuesday the 21st Obctober, thats exactly what I did.
Alex and I got a bit friskay on monday. Didnt have sex- but got a little too close for comfort. When he came literally on my inside leg...and had been doing God only knows what down there before hand...i started to have a little panic attack. What would i do if i got pregnant at this age? Well, that one was easily answered. Abortion- it could be the only way around it. Unless...
And then i realised that id much rather be safe than sorry, and so took myself up to the san and asked for the morning after pill. I asked for full confidentiality and hopefully- that is what i am going to recieve. Ive been booked an appointment for Dr. Savani monday after half term to talk about contraception. I plan to be a 'good girl' (my typical self) and go along with it all, nod in the right places. Smile when neccessary. And then beg the Sister not to mention my most recent sexual adventure to ANYONE.
I am seriously f*cked if she does.
On the other hand, despite this most recent endevour, i have decided that i may just become a Bille-Piper-esque call girl when I am at uni/ after uni to pay off fees...set me up for life etc. And if i like it, then i always have my degree to fall back on when the time comes to pack it in.
Obviously, this would be the worst possible thing for me to do- and the least logical considering my almost-pregnant state. But then again, 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl' doesnt help the situation at least with the ways in which its portrays only the most glamours parts of the job. However, i guess that if they did air the indecent scary parts then no one would want to watch it/ be scarred for life.
I dont know tbh. All i know is that i have an exceptional quality with which i manage to get msyelf hurt over and over again. Here is said problem: I find/ meet a guy that im instantly attracted to. I get to know him- the basics only. Then i manage to nearly fuck him. That usually goes well ish- i play the part well...enjoy myself. Get in, get off, get out. Thats it. No emotions. Just pure pleasure- and what do i get from it? Nothing except something else to add to my list of things accomplished this year. Oh...and another fucked up realtionship.
But this is why i think i may be able to become a call girl. I can easily turn off my emotions- just get on with the task at hand. I enjoy myself, but never feel anything for the person im doing it with. Like every other guy that ive gotten off with- once ive had my way with them, then thats it. Cba anymore. Thats them done and dusted tbh.
Obviously, things might change in the future- but atm i really dont want a loving relationship with someone where you have to worry about who did what to whom or who isnt saying what to whom. Just the usual bollocks that my best mate goes through every day with her 'soul mate'...another good mate of mine. Or at least i like to think so- he seems to be avoiding me like theres always a tomorrow. Apparentley, he thinks that im annoyed/ angry at him for some reason. Which could be partly due to our last MSN convo.
I really need to stop speaking to people on MSN- tis just a load of shit which gets people in a load of shit.
Having said that i will probably endevour to continue using it on a daily basis. But hey- you live, you learn right?
Anyway, my eyes are going square, its prize day tomorrow, i need a shower. Oh and its Casemans 'rave'. AKA. shit house party. basically. :S
Must. not. get. drunk. on. two. beers. tomorrow.
Im going to keep repeating that to myself- it shall be my mantra.
Then who knows...it might come true :)
Night all
xxxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Friday, 10 October 2008
In H.E....
Cant be facked tbh.
H.E. is either one of the biggest wastes of my life, or the least- i cant yet decide. All i do know is that the coursework element of it all is SHITE. I cba to do any of it and here i am, having read all my blog entries over the past year because i feel that i have nothing better to do with my life.
OMG. in case i hadn't mentioned it before, i am now obsessed with the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer and the film of the first book is intended to come out on 19th December. I absoultey cant wait now...getting to breaking point :S
The Ollie situation isn't really getting any better. Having seen him 3 Mondays in a row now...oh, and 'bumped into' him last Friday...(WITH Adele and Maddie i might add!)- my feelings are getting out of control. I read the last blog entries i wrote about him before he came back on the scene and lordd...Ive been played. Ive been played a lot. To the extreme almost. I think I'm going to take Rachel's advice and 'stay in control'. Obviously he'll want to meet up next Monday too...so i was thinking that i might just tell him that I'm 'busy' or whatever. Although it will mean having to keep my sex drive at an all time high for another week running- he may just start to get the point hopefully. However...we have planned to switch the 'pleasure' over to my side of the deal next week... :S maybe i might just save the 'busy' plan for the week after (which consequently will be half term...and so much more convenient!).
Also- i now have more men than ever. Ive been a very naughty Alex and have acquired some 'man candy' that i met over the Internet about a year ago- who's name also happens to be Alex. :S Bad times i know, but i cant help the fact that he is mildly good looking, funny, talkative and has the male organs that make me want him so much!! lol. I think i may have hinted that i like him just a little too much more than i should do at this stage during text messages that have been sent mid-week after out little meet ups from the past two Mondays (yes...I'm a whore. Ive realised.) He's offered to give me a massage next week and then i think he wants me to kiss him in return for such a kind gesture. :S oh lord. I'm going to feel rather guilty next Monday. Actually...i probably wont, but i should. lol.
Bad + Good times much.
This is a confused and out righlty lucky and selfish Alex signing off
Good bike
xxxxxxxxxxx
H.E. is either one of the biggest wastes of my life, or the least- i cant yet decide. All i do know is that the coursework element of it all is SHITE. I cba to do any of it and here i am, having read all my blog entries over the past year because i feel that i have nothing better to do with my life.
OMG. in case i hadn't mentioned it before, i am now obsessed with the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer and the film of the first book is intended to come out on 19th December. I absoultey cant wait now...getting to breaking point :S
The Ollie situation isn't really getting any better. Having seen him 3 Mondays in a row now...oh, and 'bumped into' him last Friday...(WITH Adele and Maddie i might add!)- my feelings are getting out of control. I read the last blog entries i wrote about him before he came back on the scene and lordd...Ive been played. Ive been played a lot. To the extreme almost. I think I'm going to take Rachel's advice and 'stay in control'. Obviously he'll want to meet up next Monday too...so i was thinking that i might just tell him that I'm 'busy' or whatever. Although it will mean having to keep my sex drive at an all time high for another week running- he may just start to get the point hopefully. However...we have planned to switch the 'pleasure' over to my side of the deal next week... :S maybe i might just save the 'busy' plan for the week after (which consequently will be half term...and so much more convenient!).
Also- i now have more men than ever. Ive been a very naughty Alex and have acquired some 'man candy' that i met over the Internet about a year ago- who's name also happens to be Alex. :S Bad times i know, but i cant help the fact that he is mildly good looking, funny, talkative and has the male organs that make me want him so much!! lol. I think i may have hinted that i like him just a little too much more than i should do at this stage during text messages that have been sent mid-week after out little meet ups from the past two Mondays (yes...I'm a whore. Ive realised.) He's offered to give me a massage next week and then i think he wants me to kiss him in return for such a kind gesture. :S oh lord. I'm going to feel rather guilty next Monday. Actually...i probably wont, but i should. lol.
Bad + Good times much.
This is a confused and out righlty lucky and selfish Alex signing off
Good bike
xxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
Honesty
The following is a letter to Ollie:
Ollie,
I need you to understand me and to listen to me while I’m completely honest with you.
I want you to know that the last time I spoke to you, before we did'nt talk for ages that you really hurt me. When I saw that you wanted someone other than me and the fact that you had posted it publicly for other people to see made me go on automatic self-destruct. That night, I made myself throw up everything Id eaten that day until I could barely breathe. I think it was the worst time id done it, bar once before, and I felt that I was at an all time low. So I destroyed everything you’d ever given me, any pictures I had of you, deleted you from my MySpace and Facebook accounts and I attempted to not think of you every day after that. I failed miserably. I thought of you every second of every day and I blamed myself for the fact that we were no longer talking although everyone around me was telling me the opposite. I loved you, despite what you’d done to me. This was something that drove me to near insanity, and so my illness flared up again.
Then, when I’d gotten so desperate for any kind of distraction, I started to throw myself into shitty relationships with guys I barely knew. Every kiss, every touch, everything I did with them- I imagined it was you. No one could ever understand why I did it- not even myself. I’d gotten so self destructive that people were starting to worry that I might kill myself. Although I had considered it, I could never bring myself to do it, which just made me think I was even weaker.
Then Ashley came along. He was everything I needed, everything I thought that I wanted. He was kind, gentle, loving, non-pressuring. But in my mind, he didn’t affect me like you always used to. He’d gladly listen to me, be supportive, ask me how I was frequently- playing the perfect gentleman.But he couldn’t make me laugh, make me feel comfortable, able to be myself and most of all, I didn’t want him like I wanted you.
I couldn’t understand this excruciating pain you were causing me with your absence, and so that night when I first spoke to you again on MSN I finally felt the first bit of relief that I had in ages. I tried not to show it to you, to make you think I was stronger without you. But when I heard that you’d had a ‘sort of’ girlfriend, the jealously made me almost want to make myself throw up again. I was in shock from the way you were making me feel and I realised that I was suddenly addicted again. I couldn’t go for a single day without replaying the conversation we’d had. When you’d said that you had gotten in a fight and your nose got broken I felt like gathering you into my arms and kissing you until you couldn’t breathe- I wanted to protect you, make you fine again. It was abnormal and wrong for me to feel that way, but I wanted you so much that it felt like I was constantly suffering, like there was always a dull pain in the centre of my chest.
So when I met up with you on your birthday, I already knew that I was going to kiss you whether you liked it or not. I was that desperate to have you with me again. It took all the willpower I had in me not to reach over to where you sat away from me and put your hand against my chest, to hug you and keep you there, to kiss you with as much passion and lust that I had held inside myself for so long. I knew I loved you again when you smiled at me, made me laugh in return, and talked to me to get me out of my shell. And when you said that you hated Ashley, I couldn’t help but be secretly thrilled that you actually wanted me still- despite everything we’d gone through.
When you kissed me it was out of this world. My entire body felt like it had burst into flames, my whole being wanted you to want me like I wanted you that it caused me even more pain. The desperation and longing that id felt was suddenly consumed in that one moment and I suddenly felt whole again. When we said goodbye it broke my heart to see you go. I cursed everything under the sun that I was stuck at an all girl’s boarding school, away from you and any chance of seeing you any time soon. I hated everything with a sincere passion.
I know this is all really overwhelming probably, but I think that you deserve to know what I feel, felt and am going to feel before we make any irrational decisions. I love you, Ollie, despite everything that happened, everything you did, everything I did, all the pain we’ve caused each other. But I want you to know that I’d do anything for you, to make you happy. I still don’t understand it, but this is how I feel. And now I want to know what you think, whether your feelings are even a fraction of what I feel and felt for you. If you don’t feel the same way or want me back, then I completely understand- more than understand. I just want to know how you feel, about me, about what I think, about what I’ve done and if there is any chance for us at all. I just want us to have some fun together, be together and make each other happy- like I think we both deserve.
And if this all turns to shit, then I’m sorry, truly I am, for what I’ve done and that I’ve lost you.
Ollie,
I need you to understand me and to listen to me while I’m completely honest with you.
I want you to know that the last time I spoke to you, before we did'nt talk for ages that you really hurt me. When I saw that you wanted someone other than me and the fact that you had posted it publicly for other people to see made me go on automatic self-destruct. That night, I made myself throw up everything Id eaten that day until I could barely breathe. I think it was the worst time id done it, bar once before, and I felt that I was at an all time low. So I destroyed everything you’d ever given me, any pictures I had of you, deleted you from my MySpace and Facebook accounts and I attempted to not think of you every day after that. I failed miserably. I thought of you every second of every day and I blamed myself for the fact that we were no longer talking although everyone around me was telling me the opposite. I loved you, despite what you’d done to me. This was something that drove me to near insanity, and so my illness flared up again.
Then, when I’d gotten so desperate for any kind of distraction, I started to throw myself into shitty relationships with guys I barely knew. Every kiss, every touch, everything I did with them- I imagined it was you. No one could ever understand why I did it- not even myself. I’d gotten so self destructive that people were starting to worry that I might kill myself. Although I had considered it, I could never bring myself to do it, which just made me think I was even weaker.
Then Ashley came along. He was everything I needed, everything I thought that I wanted. He was kind, gentle, loving, non-pressuring. But in my mind, he didn’t affect me like you always used to. He’d gladly listen to me, be supportive, ask me how I was frequently- playing the perfect gentleman.But he couldn’t make me laugh, make me feel comfortable, able to be myself and most of all, I didn’t want him like I wanted you.
I couldn’t understand this excruciating pain you were causing me with your absence, and so that night when I first spoke to you again on MSN I finally felt the first bit of relief that I had in ages. I tried not to show it to you, to make you think I was stronger without you. But when I heard that you’d had a ‘sort of’ girlfriend, the jealously made me almost want to make myself throw up again. I was in shock from the way you were making me feel and I realised that I was suddenly addicted again. I couldn’t go for a single day without replaying the conversation we’d had. When you’d said that you had gotten in a fight and your nose got broken I felt like gathering you into my arms and kissing you until you couldn’t breathe- I wanted to protect you, make you fine again. It was abnormal and wrong for me to feel that way, but I wanted you so much that it felt like I was constantly suffering, like there was always a dull pain in the centre of my chest.
So when I met up with you on your birthday, I already knew that I was going to kiss you whether you liked it or not. I was that desperate to have you with me again. It took all the willpower I had in me not to reach over to where you sat away from me and put your hand against my chest, to hug you and keep you there, to kiss you with as much passion and lust that I had held inside myself for so long. I knew I loved you again when you smiled at me, made me laugh in return, and talked to me to get me out of my shell. And when you said that you hated Ashley, I couldn’t help but be secretly thrilled that you actually wanted me still- despite everything we’d gone through.
When you kissed me it was out of this world. My entire body felt like it had burst into flames, my whole being wanted you to want me like I wanted you that it caused me even more pain. The desperation and longing that id felt was suddenly consumed in that one moment and I suddenly felt whole again. When we said goodbye it broke my heart to see you go. I cursed everything under the sun that I was stuck at an all girl’s boarding school, away from you and any chance of seeing you any time soon. I hated everything with a sincere passion.
I know this is all really overwhelming probably, but I think that you deserve to know what I feel, felt and am going to feel before we make any irrational decisions. I love you, Ollie, despite everything that happened, everything you did, everything I did, all the pain we’ve caused each other. But I want you to know that I’d do anything for you, to make you happy. I still don’t understand it, but this is how I feel. And now I want to know what you think, whether your feelings are even a fraction of what I feel and felt for you. If you don’t feel the same way or want me back, then I completely understand- more than understand. I just want to know how you feel, about me, about what I think, about what I’ve done and if there is any chance for us at all. I just want us to have some fun together, be together and make each other happy- like I think we both deserve.
And if this all turns to shit, then I’m sorry, truly I am, for what I’ve done and that I’ve lost you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)