For Hannah

I have had one of the best weekends ever. On Sunday Hannah and I went on a walk mid-afternoon. She took me to a deserted bunker in our school grounds and we toyed with the idea of venturing inside the open passage. After stealing candles from the chapel and arming ourselves with a camera, pens and chalk, we slowly went deeper and deeper into the tunnel. The things we found were amazing. It looked like a year 8 student had been down there, as we found a exercise book with her name on and a modern looking pencil case, filled with pens. Amongst other things, there was a jar of money (about £8), a milk bottle, a water bottle, a can of febreeze and a bin bag held up on the wall as a bin. As we ventured further down, we found abandoned rooms with broken chairs and cans. Hannah picked up an old fanta can that must have been from about 30 years ago at least. It was so interesting! We left our names on a wall in black permanent marker- I'm tempted to go back down there once she's left to reminisce.

Then we wondered down to the pond at the bottom of our school's grounds to find a family of ducks. One little duckling was being pecked at by a huge goose and so swam to the shore and took shelter under Hannah who by this point was crouching on the ground to pick him up. He stayed with us for about an hour, snuggling in our hoodies against the cold and bonding with us (as we stupidly let him do). So that when it came to putting him back into the water, it was virtually impossible. In the end, i waded into the pond and literally threw him back into the pond- it was one of the most surreal moments of my life.

During our time at the lake, Hannah had tried more than once to kiss me, or touch me romantically. I don't know what it was- nerves/ preoccupation/ not wanting to... it didn't make sense.

Last night, she spoke to me about how she was really feeling. Turns out that she was upset with me about that day. She had tried more than once to hint at what she wanted and I hadn't responded. Also, she was upset that we weren't talking like real friends during the day and that anything we did do, always had to happen at night. I agreed, and yet we started to talk about things and they got complicated. I ended up crying, angry and frustrated with myself. She ended up being sorry and feeling guilty- and although we got things out in the open, something inside told me that it wasn't for the best.

We ended up taking things further than before that night although it probably wasn't the best idea. In fact, I know it wasn't the best idea. By doing that we had made things more intense. I was and still am, stuck as to what to do about it all. I don't want to be a burden, but at the same time, I can't take her 'off' days as a given thing. Being sensitive, I really cant.

I went for a long walk that night. Just crying, listening to music that reminds me of her and I imagined what it would be like when she is gone.

It was one of the most heart wrenching things Ive ever made myself imagine.

For Hannah

I'm starting this blog to document my time with her- with Hannah. I've had to write about my time with her on somewhere like this because I'm forbidden to talk to anyone about this. She's worried, you see- she hasn't come out about it all (and what I mean by this is her sexuality). Not very many people know at all, and I happen to be one of the lucky ones.

I'm bisexual (as some may know) and have been for a good 4-5 years now. For me it was easier than it was/will be for others to come out about my sexuality. My interest in women originated from what I can only put down to single sex full time boarding from the age of 11, just when your sexuality and development begins.

It wasn't until the start of year 12 when I noticed Hannah. She was this funny little thing with gorgeous colored skin (she's Brazilian), fluffy dark blond hair and glasses. She fascinated me from day one. Luckily (or maybe not to so luckily) we were living in the same house at school...in fact in the same corridor. In fact.. practically opposite each other. Not only did this originally fill me with dread that she'd see me at my worst in the mornings, but that I'd be able to see her all the time (thus giving myself more opportunities to fuck up in front of her).

Like I said- she fascinated me. She was funny and quick witted. She'd come out with things that would make me want to laugh for days. Also, I quickly realised that she was much much much cooler than me and than I would ever be. Her music taste was vintage and 60s-70s Beatles type era. Her interests included editting music (music tech) and playing her guitar (which she pretty much taught herself to play). Yeah, i was most defiantly fascinated from day one.

By Mid way through the 2nd term in the year, we were at least talking (well, i say 'talking'. she was talking whilst i listened...I'm a nervous speaker). She would come into my room and just hang out with everyone- she was always really popular amongst my year group, just because she wasn't afraid to talk to us.

Up until that point, I had no idea about her secret - it wasn't until the after show party of a play we were all involved in, that we all got roaringly drunk. Hannah and I were amongst the drunkest. Once she had kissed a vast majority of the girls at the party and shouted at a few people, I was given responsibility to look after her. You know the types of conversations you have when you're drunk? The ones where the truth sort of tumbles out and you really really don't mean it to? Well- this was what this was like. She admitted how she had had a sort of relationship with a girl on a long trip at Edinburgh festival- i notably remember her saying how 'hot' she was (and that stung for a while...ill admit). And so i was teasing her about it and somehow got onto teasing her about her liking me. Although we were both seemingly joking there was a part of it that seemed real. It was the morning after when it actually sunk in that I had found out something I possibly shouldn't have done.

And so texting ensued. Long texts where we would discuss the situation we were in- how she didn't want anyone to know, how she was worried I would tell people and how my feelings remained the same.

The text which made everything suddenly burst into light was one that vaguely went like this:

'you know a while back you asked me if it was mean anything to me if you did like me? and i sort of ignored it and talked about something else? well, yes, in answer to your question, it does mean something to me.'

And that was that. I knew- I had hope. It still didn't seem real: we weren't talking face to face about it.. ever. It was occasionally awkward when the topic of conversation would lean towards it, but it just wasn't ever discussed.

Then it was the last night of term- I hadn't seen a development really in terms of our relationship, except from the obvious truth of our feelings towards each other. So perhaps that was why this night was the biggest shock of all. It began with a take-away, films and episodes of everything. At some point in the evening, she lent back against me when watching the TV and I confess- it was so difficult to keep myself breathing. Not only was I shocked at her boldness, but the fact she was doing it in front of other people. Eventually, somehow, the evening progressed and we ended up in my bedroom, talking for hours on end. Slowly breaking the ice, we talked about all sorts (avoiding the taboo topic obviously). And then by the time it was about 3am, we snuggled up in bed together, side by side, just talking and dozing off. It was one of the best nights I've ever had with another person. I got to hold her and be so close to her that it just seemed really surreal. And although nothing happened, it felt so perfect that it didn't need to happen.

The next day I remember vividly- it was house day, a day where the houses compete against each other for the house cup. Hannah and I were in different houses, so I got to watch her perform and go around sorting out all the cables and guitars etc. And it was such a weird feeling- I felt sort of proud amongst also feeling smug that we'd had the night together. I just felt like screaming: 'yeah- she chose me out of all of you! me! of all people'. I couldn't stop smiling- I was on top of the world.

Then came the holidays- occasional texting and IM-ing wasn't enough, because when we returned to school, the awkwardness had settled in. We confessed, later on that night that we had both heard each other return and wanted to go and say hi, but just didn't have the courage. (well, i know i certainly didn't). On the first night back, we had a prickly conversation about what she really wanted out of the relationship. I was a bit upset and felt a bit used, but was trying to keep it together, because I took what she was saying to mean that she just wanted to see where it goes and use me for the occasional pick-me-up. Oh how wrong I was. It was the 20th April 2010 and Hannah kissed me.

It was intense- she had whispered to me 'you promise you wont tell anyone?' and i had replied 'of course, why would I?' and whilst lying next to me, leaned in and kissed me. It was the sweetest kiss I'd ever had- soft and gentle, yet exploratory. Addictive. I still think about it and question whether it actually happened, although deep down, I know it did.

The next day was beyond awkward- avoiding eye contact, conversation, being to close to her- I didn't know what to do. Later on we spoke of how funny it was to watch each other tiptoe around the subject and how stupid we were to do it. That night didn't help the situation either- we didn't get the chance to snuggle up and talk about things because of a friend of ours sending us both to bed (because she'd been kept up by our talking the night before).

The following night- the night before the weekend, we got the chance to be together again. This time in her room, cuddled up and kissing occasionally between cute breaks of conversation. Her body responds like nothing Ive ever experienced before. If i move my body against hers, her breathing would get deeper and she'd shift herself to be closer to me. When my hand's pressure increases on her back to pull her closer, she does the same. If there is one word for her- its addictive, certainly.

And so it begins. I cant honestly see this being good for either of us- but how can I say no to her? To Hannah? Call me a fool, but I'll take all the chances I get (you only live once right?)

Wish me luck because if any time in my life, I'll need it now.

i feel lost, helpless and alone.

i cant talk to anyone, i cant confess how i feel and its builing up so much that im slowly beginning to lose any concentration and work ethic i used to have


whats wrong with me please?