so where to begin? im lost.
its been technically 6 months since my break up with hannah. even writing her name makes me cringe still and hurt a little inside. which shows i suppose im getting better. i still cant look at picture of her though- like really look at them. when im on her profile (like... everyday) i cant look at her profile picture. it actually burns. in real life, weirdly, its not as bad. mainly because i just let myself be dead inside. nothings about me when im with her- i wont let it happen. i cant let it happen. if i let her in again, im gone. there will be nothing of me left. its just self preservation but i feel like a bitch.
i want to be the good person in all of this. after all- she broke up with me. but i'm managing to feel more guilty as the months go on. its my conscience thats blocking me from cutting her off all together as she will have something to say about it always- saying how she never cut me off, and how as her friend i should respect that. the thing she cant gage is that i was never her friend even to start with. we began as fuck buddies and turned into a summer romance. not even lovers really- because she never loved me. even when she says it now i cant let myself believe it. i physically CANT.
when she sends 'lots of love' all that runs through my mind is 'yeah right'. its sad, i know. but i cant allow myself to believe she cares even an inch about me. although on the odd occasion that i begin to allow myself to believe, her actions do seem viable.
all sorts of things run through my mind regarding the break up. part of me even believed that she'd been with someone else. and she felt guilty- or at least wanted to see where it went with them before uni so she could try something different. i dont know whether or not she was capable of being that cruel, but i was once. so you never know with people. its very hard to tell.
sometimes i convince myself that that was what truly had happened, and then i dont feel bad about cutting her off. theres no real way of telling though.
the truth is, that as much as id like to break all contact with her, no matter how many times i try, i miss her incredibly. she was mean and horrid and cruel and SUCH a heartbreaker that i should have seen it all from the beginning. she ticked all the boxes- complicated, beautiful, unique, gifted, talented, strange, foreign, kooky, funny... everything you could want in a person. and i miss it- truly i do. no matter how much i tell myself i dont- i really really miss hannah.
i miss curling up with her in the day time, watching lame shit on TV, eating munch, discussing sloths and cute animals, talking to her about my problems, testing her to see how much she cared about me. being with her at night, watching her sleep, the feel of her skin, her hair, her smile, her eyes, her glasses, the way she walks, her accent, her ability to speak Portuguese. being able to wake up and be truly happy with life and smile and think, i wonder what today will bring. i miss being content and thinking 'i can take on the world, because as long as shes with me, no one can bring me down'. will i ever feel like that again? will i ever be able to wake up and smile to myself? giggle uncontrollably because down the corridor or in bed next to me there is someone so beautiful, someone so amazing, that i could lose my existence and still be happy- as long as she was there? i really dont think so.
and so, im now in tears again- but hopefully its the beginning of the end of these tears. im committed to making this work- to getting over her and missing her so passionatley it hurts to even type her name.
i miss you so much hannah. but i wish to god that you never discover that.
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