For Hannah

I have had one of the best weekends ever. On Sunday Hannah and I went on a walk mid-afternoon. She took me to a deserted bunker in our school grounds and we toyed with the idea of venturing inside the open passage. After stealing candles from the chapel and arming ourselves with a camera, pens and chalk, we slowly went deeper and deeper into the tunnel. The things we found were amazing. It looked like a year 8 student had been down there, as we found a exercise book with her name on and a modern looking pencil case, filled with pens. Amongst other things, there was a jar of money (about £8), a milk bottle, a water bottle, a can of febreeze and a bin bag held up on the wall as a bin. As we ventured further down, we found abandoned rooms with broken chairs and cans. Hannah picked up an old fanta can that must have been from about 30 years ago at least. It was so interesting! We left our names on a wall in black permanent marker- I'm tempted to go back down there once she's left to reminisce.

Then we wondered down to the pond at the bottom of our school's grounds to find a family of ducks. One little duckling was being pecked at by a huge goose and so swam to the shore and took shelter under Hannah who by this point was crouching on the ground to pick him up. He stayed with us for about an hour, snuggling in our hoodies against the cold and bonding with us (as we stupidly let him do). So that when it came to putting him back into the water, it was virtually impossible. In the end, i waded into the pond and literally threw him back into the pond- it was one of the most surreal moments of my life.

During our time at the lake, Hannah had tried more than once to kiss me, or touch me romantically. I don't know what it was- nerves/ preoccupation/ not wanting to... it didn't make sense.

Last night, she spoke to me about how she was really feeling. Turns out that she was upset with me about that day. She had tried more than once to hint at what she wanted and I hadn't responded. Also, she was upset that we weren't talking like real friends during the day and that anything we did do, always had to happen at night. I agreed, and yet we started to talk about things and they got complicated. I ended up crying, angry and frustrated with myself. She ended up being sorry and feeling guilty- and although we got things out in the open, something inside told me that it wasn't for the best.

We ended up taking things further than before that night although it probably wasn't the best idea. In fact, I know it wasn't the best idea. By doing that we had made things more intense. I was and still am, stuck as to what to do about it all. I don't want to be a burden, but at the same time, I can't take her 'off' days as a given thing. Being sensitive, I really cant.

I went for a long walk that night. Just crying, listening to music that reminds me of her and I imagined what it would be like when she is gone.

It was one of the most heart wrenching things Ive ever made myself imagine.