Serious Consideration

This week...ive seen far too much of the world.

I am 15 years old. Female. Classed as 'clever' and sometimes, when the boat is pushed out a bit, a 'boffin'. I never thought that i would be one to join the morning after club. But on Tuesday the 21st Obctober, thats exactly what I did.

Alex and I got a bit friskay on monday. Didnt have sex- but got a little too close for comfort. When he came literally on my inside leg...and had been doing God only knows what down there before hand...i started to have a little panic attack. What would i do if i got pregnant at this age? Well, that one was easily answered. Abortion- it could be the only way around it. Unless...

And then i realised that id much rather be safe than sorry, and so took myself up to the san and asked for the morning after pill. I asked for full confidentiality and hopefully- that is what i am going to recieve. Ive been booked an appointment for Dr. Savani monday after half term to talk about contraception. I plan to be a 'good girl' (my typical self) and go along with it all, nod in the right places. Smile when neccessary. And then beg the Sister not to mention my most recent sexual adventure to ANYONE.

I am seriously f*cked if she does.

On the other hand, despite this most recent endevour, i have decided that i may just become a Bille-Piper-esque call girl when I am at uni/ after uni to pay off fees...set me up for life etc. And if i like it, then i always have my degree to fall back on when the time comes to pack it in.

Obviously, this would be the worst possible thing for me to do- and the least logical considering my almost-pregnant state. But then again, 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl' doesnt help the situation at least with the ways in which its portrays only the most glamours parts of the job. However, i guess that if they did air the indecent scary parts then no one would want to watch it/ be scarred for life.

I dont know tbh. All i know is that i have an exceptional quality with which i manage to get msyelf hurt over and over again. Here is said problem: I find/ meet a guy that im instantly attracted to. I get to know him- the basics only. Then i manage to nearly fuck him. That usually goes well ish- i play the part well...enjoy myself. Get in, get off, get out. Thats it. No emotions. Just pure pleasure- and what do i get from it? Nothing except something else to add to my list of things accomplished this year. Oh...and another fucked up realtionship.

But this is why i think i may be able to become a call girl. I can easily turn off my emotions- just get on with the task at hand. I enjoy myself, but never feel anything for the person im doing it with. Like every other guy that ive gotten off with- once ive had my way with them, then thats it. Cba anymore. Thats them done and dusted tbh.

Obviously, things might change in the future- but atm i really dont want a loving relationship with someone where you have to worry about who did what to whom or who isnt saying what to whom. Just the usual bollocks that my best mate goes through every day with her 'soul mate'...another good mate of mine. Or at least i like to think so- he seems to be avoiding me like theres always a tomorrow. Apparentley, he thinks that im annoyed/ angry at him for some reason. Which could be partly due to our last MSN convo.

I really need to stop speaking to people on MSN- tis just a load of shit which gets people in a load of shit.
Having said that i will probably endevour to continue using it on a daily basis. But hey- you live, you learn right?

Anyway, my eyes are going square, its prize day tomorrow, i need a shower. Oh and its Casemans 'rave'. AKA. shit house party. basically. :S

Must. not. get. drunk. on. two. beers. tomorrow.

Im going to keep repeating that to myself- it shall be my mantra.


Then who knows...it might come true :)
Night all
xxxxxxxxxxx