Honesty

The following is a letter to Ollie:

Ollie,

I need you to understand me and to listen to me while I’m completely honest with you.

I want you to know that the last time I spoke to you, before we did'nt talk for ages that you really hurt me. When I saw that you wanted someone other than me and the fact that you had posted it publicly for other people to see made me go on automatic self-destruct. That night, I made myself throw up everything Id eaten that day until I could barely breathe. I think it was the worst time id done it, bar once before, and I felt that I was at an all time low. So I destroyed everything you’d ever given me, any pictures I had of you, deleted you from my MySpace and Facebook accounts and I attempted to not think of you every day after that. I failed miserably. I thought of you every second of every day and I blamed myself for the fact that we were no longer talking although everyone around me was telling me the opposite. I loved you, despite what you’d done to me. This was something that drove me to near insanity, and so my illness flared up again.

Then, when I’d gotten so desperate for any kind of distraction, I started to throw myself into shitty relationships with guys I barely knew. Every kiss, every touch, everything I did with them- I imagined it was you. No one could ever understand why I did it- not even myself. I’d gotten so self destructive that people were starting to worry that I might kill myself. Although I had considered it, I could never bring myself to do it, which just made me think I was even weaker.

Then Ashley came along. He was everything I needed, everything I thought that I wanted. He was kind, gentle, loving, non-pressuring. But in my mind, he didn’t affect me like you always used to. He’d gladly listen to me, be supportive, ask me how I was frequently- playing the perfect gentleman.But he couldn’t make me laugh, make me feel comfortable, able to be myself and most of all, I didn’t want him like I wanted you.

I couldn’t understand this excruciating pain you were causing me with your absence, and so that night when I first spoke to you again on MSN I finally felt the first bit of relief that I had in ages. I tried not to show it to you, to make you think I was stronger without you. But when I heard that you’d had a ‘sort of’ girlfriend, the jealously made me almost want to make myself throw up again. I was in shock from the way you were making me feel and I realised that I was suddenly addicted again. I couldn’t go for a single day without replaying the conversation we’d had. When you’d said that you had gotten in a fight and your nose got broken I felt like gathering you into my arms and kissing you until you couldn’t breathe- I wanted to protect you, make you fine again. It was abnormal and wrong for me to feel that way, but I wanted you so much that it felt like I was constantly suffering, like there was always a dull pain in the centre of my chest.

So when I met up with you on your birthday, I already knew that I was going to kiss you whether you liked it or not. I was that desperate to have you with me again. It took all the willpower I had in me not to reach over to where you sat away from me and put your hand against my chest, to hug you and keep you there, to kiss you with as much passion and lust that I had held inside myself for so long. I knew I loved you again when you smiled at me, made me laugh in return, and talked to me to get me out of my shell. And when you said that you hated Ashley, I couldn’t help but be secretly thrilled that you actually wanted me still- despite everything we’d gone through.

When you kissed me it was out of this world. My entire body felt like it had burst into flames, my whole being wanted you to want me like I wanted you that it caused me even more pain. The desperation and longing that id felt was suddenly consumed in that one moment and I suddenly felt whole again. When we said goodbye it broke my heart to see you go. I cursed everything under the sun that I was stuck at an all girl’s boarding school, away from you and any chance of seeing you any time soon. I hated everything with a sincere passion.

I know this is all really overwhelming probably, but I think that you deserve to know what I feel, felt and am going to feel before we make any irrational decisions. I love you, Ollie, despite everything that happened, everything you did, everything I did, all the pain we’ve caused each other. But I want you to know that I’d do anything for you, to make you happy. I still don’t understand it, but this is how I feel. And now I want to know what you think, whether your feelings are even a fraction of what I feel and felt for you. If you don’t feel the same way or want me back, then I completely understand- more than understand. I just want to know how you feel, about me, about what I think, about what I’ve done and if there is any chance for us at all. I just want us to have some fun together, be together and make each other happy- like I think we both deserve.

And if this all turns to shit, then I’m sorry, truly I am, for what I’ve done and that I’ve lost you.